oh hey this account is still here
let me just… dust this off.
When I last left off this blog, I was rather emotionally compromised! Goodness, that was back in January. Uh.
Well I think there have still been moments where my brain will spit out something trauma related, but for the most part things have been mellowing out at my house. I still hold my breath over tense conversations, buuut!
I reached an interesting stage a while back: humor (in small doses). My mom has told me that she is so pissed that she worked hard on raising me+my sister in as healthy of an environment as she could by not repeating the same patterns she went through as a kid, and then this other completely unrelated family went and fucked that up for me. I laughed and I ended up saying “Well I’m doing pretty better now! I just… have a few issues in areas of basic human functioning, like eating. Or sleeping.” And so we had our little moments of dark humor over that.
It’s also just occurred to me that simply reading that as text doesn’t really describe the moment, but it was funny… to me and her, at least.
I catch myself noticing tiny differences in how I act or function as a result of Those Who Are They, and it’s just… little things. The way I open or close doors (AS QUIETLY AS POSSIBLE), or walk around the house—which also depends on where in the house I am. The walking-around one is the latest difference I’ve realized, and it’s one that came back to
bite stab me in the foot recently.
See, the family that ended up being the cause of my trauma problems lived in a split-level house and the mom+stepdad moved their bedroom downstairs, and they went to bed really early. After they would go to sleep, I developed this habit of walking around their house by shuffling. I wouldn’t even lift my feet at all. I notice that I still do that when my family starts to fall asleep… in my own home. As if I am just a walking-cloud of Noise. It’s… weird.
Anyway, this ended up being how I got a splinter in my foot recently when I was shuffling my way around a friend’s apartment one night. I took it as a sign to notice this habit more and un-learn it. The therapy part of PTSD is long-over but there are still things that can be changed!
Speaking of changes..
I think a while back I was talking about post-traumatic growth and how I have not reached that stage. Well… I still don’t think I have, but I’m finding ways of gaining closure over the experience. Ultimately, I would like to go back to the park that is by my ex-friend’s former house (since I heard they moved, I would find going to that neighborhood would be a lot easier). I can’t go back to The House, obviously, but my ex-friend and I hung out there all the time with her baby sister so it is still an important site in relation to the trauma. It’d be a huge step, but I don’t feel good about trying it just yet. There’s a lot of memories I have about that place.